At Night

Sometimes at night I suddenly become aware of all the things I’m missing out on right now, and all the people who I’m not close to anymore, and all of the good times that will never happen again, and all the people who meant the world to me who have forgotten about me forever, and I get this awful feeling that’s kind of like a mix between loneliness and nostalgia.




I said …..

Weird.  Over bearing.  Revolutionary.   These words/ideas  have been used in the past week to describe my food… well me too to be honest.    Lets take a look at these words and see if/how they fit.

Weird : 

1.involving or suggesting the supernatural; unearthly or uncanny:
2.fantastic; bizarre
3.Archaic. concerned with or controlling fate or destiny.
Over bearing
1. domineering; dictatorial; haughtily or rudely arrogant.
2. of overwhelming or critical importance.
domineering; dictatorial; haughtily or rudely arrogant.
Looking at these definitions I’m not quite sure how they pertain to me.  To be fair,  the last word/idea wasnt used,  but I only recall myself answering someones question about their significant other.  In turn, was accused that I was trying to break them up, which would be farther from the truth.  
The emergence of the weird and over bearing seem to be a progression from one to the other.   I believe that it started off as awkward in all fairness.   It was my mistake for thinking that someone was able to handle the real me, no facades.   Alas,  I will go back to wearing a thousand masks with none of them me. 

               Don’t be fooled by the face I wear
               for I wear a thousand masks,
              and none of them is me.
               Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me,
               but don’t be fooled.
               I give you the impression that I’m secure,
               that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well
                    as without,
               that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
               that the water’s calm and I’m in command
               and that I need no one,
               but don’t believe me.
               My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
               ever-varying and ever-concealing.
               Beneath lies no complacence.
               Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
               But I hide this.  I don’t want anybody to know it.
               I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
               That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
               a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
               to help me pretend,
               to shield me from the glance that knows.
               But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
               and I know it.
               That is, if it’s followed by acceptance,
               if it’s followed by love.
               It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
               from my own self-built prison walls,
               from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
               It’s the only thing that will assure me
               of what I can’t assure myself,
               that I’m really worth something.
               But I don’t tell you this.  I don’t dare to, I’m afraid to.
               I’m afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
               will not be followed by love.
               I’m afraid you’ll think less of me,
               that you’ll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
               I’m afraid that deep-down I’m nothing
               and that you will see this and reject me.
               So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
               with a facade of assurance without
               and a trembling child within.
               So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
               and my life becomes a front.
               I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
               I tell you everything that’s really nothing,
               and nothing of what’s everything,
               of what’s crying within me.
               So when I’m going through my routine
               do not be fooled by what I’m saying.
               Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m not saying,
               what I’d like to be able to say,
               what for survival I need to say,
               but what I can’t say.
               I don’t like hiding.
               I don’t like playing superficial phony games.
               I want to stop playing them.
               I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
               but you’ve got to help me.
               You’ve got to hold out your hand
               even when that’s the last thing I seem to want.
               Only you can wipe away from my eyes
               the blank stare of the breathing dead.
               Only you can call me into aliveness.
               Each time you’re kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
               each time you try to understand because you really care,
               my heart begins to grow wings–
               very small wings,
               very feeble wings,
               but wings!
               With your power to touch me into feeling
               you can breathe life into me.
               I want you to know that.
               I want you to know how important you are to me,
               how you can be a creator
               of the person that is me
               if you choose to.
               You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
               you alone can remove my mask,
               you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
               from my lonely prison,
               if you choose to.
               Do not pass me by.
               It will not be easy for you.
               A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
               The nearer you approach to me
               the blinder I may strike back.
               It’s irrational, but despite what the books say about man
               often I am irrational.
               I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
               But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
               and in this lies my hope.
               Please try to beat down those walls
               with firm hands but with gentle hands
               for a child is very sensitive.
               Who am I, you may wonder?
               I am someone you know very well.
               For I am every man you meet
               and I am every woman you meet.


Besides the crazy weather in Oklahoma, the most bipolar state I’ve ever lived in weather wise…   I cooked a few different things, and of course decided upon some serious changes to the recipes.  Shish kabobs, chicken and beef,  Lasagna, and a Navajo Breakkie,  topped the list.  My two favorites, cinnamon rolls and banana bread were added as well.   I think this weeks favorite was the fruit plate, which consisted of oranges, apples, strawberries and some cottage cheese.   The one dish I will not be repeating is the Navajo Breakfast,  separately the ingredients were great, together, it just didnt work in my opinion.

Dog Fight?

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the fight in the dog.

I try to be competitive in everything I do.   If I’m on a run, I try to be the first one in.   If I’m in the classroom, I try for the best grade in the class.  (If I get up to sharpen a pencil, I try and make it the sharpest pencil in the room.)  Granted, I’ll never be the best at everything, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be the best at something.  I just wont quit trying to get there!


New Beginnings

Confucius once said “Choose a job you love, and you will never work a day in your life.”   After a long and somewhat arduous journey,  I have finally landed in the land of Culinary Arts.   As I begin my three year apprenticeship, I will blog about everything from daily life to recipes, and anything in between.   I don’t know where or what the future holds but I know that I am dedicated and determined to succeed.   If you have any requests or comments, don’t hesitate to let me know :D.